Need to Be at Peace

Nate and I were talking before going to bed bed last night, like we usually do. Naturally, the topic of money came up. Sometimes I don’t understand the full extent of my emotions until I talk about them. I’m a quiet person so I don’t always say what’s on my mind. When we were talking about money, it made me realize just how angry I am. I was telling Nate how I’m kind of angry at myself for going to an expensive out-of-state school for two years (against my parent’s wishes—I guess they really do know better sometimes) and then transferring back home just to acquire a ton of debt as a result of the schooling. I go to work to pay off all the debt. And then if all goes according to plan, I will be a stay-at-home momma when we start a family. So, what was the freaking point of going to school in the first place? I know there are many good reasons for going to college, but you get my point. I’m angry because it’s like we don’t even have that money that goes towards the loans each month. It’s a lot of money, but it’s as if it was never ours to begin with. I’m angry that our apartment isn’t nicer, that we can’t buy a house, and that we can’t (shouldn’t) start a family. When you really look at it, though, these are anger issues that I’m causing for myself. As Nate pointed out to me, I’m not at peace with the way we have decided to live our life right now. He pointed this out to me because this is exactly the way he is feeling to. Even though we have consciously, deliberately decided to do this thing called paying off debt and that it is the best thing to do and that it will pay off in the long run—we aren’t at peace with it yet. We know what we should be doing and how we should do it, but we haven’t totally accepted it yet. We have to, or at least I do, accept it in our hearts and minds. With time and some personal work, then, hopefully I will be at peace with it.

I was doing some fact-checking at work the other day and came across this gem of a poem called “Don’t Quit” by Edgar Albert Guest. It really resonated with me. Read it. It’s good.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit—rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns.
As everyone of us sometimes learns.
And many a fellow turns about when he might have won had he stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow —you may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than it seems to a faint and faltering man;
Often the struggler has given up when he might have captured the victor's cup;
and he learned too late when the night came down,
how close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out —the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and when you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems afar;
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit—it's when things seem worst, you must not quit.

On a different note, tonight I made some super yummy peanut butter cookies. I gave some to the hubby when he was studying for the CPA exam…I think that put a little smile on a face.